


Hold me a little tighter

by sadhomosexual



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Around Sixth Year, Because nightmares, Dark Thoughts, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Insomnia, Kinda, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Nightmares, Period-Typical Homophobia, Remus Lupin is a Good Boyfriend, Remus Will Give Him One, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Sorry Not Sorry, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:00:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28312746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadhomosexual/pseuds/sadhomosexual
Summary: Sirius keeps reliving his last night at Grimmauld Place. Sirius keeps insisting that he's fine. Luckily Remus knows he's lying. Remus is there to comfort him and help him fight his demons. The only problem is, will Sirius let him?Wolfstar fluff and angstTW: past suicidal thoughts/idiation
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 83





	Hold me a little tighter

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas yall this is my first time writing a fanfic and publishing any of my written work. So please dont eviscerate me.  
> That being said i hope yall enjoy this and lemme know if you want more work within this fandom.or others.  
> side note: the italics are sirius' thoughts and memories.
> 
> okay thats all enjoy

Sixth year Gryffindor dorms 3:00 am

He always seemed to know when something was off with him. Sirius had no idea how he did it. But Remus always just seemed to know when he was slightly off center.

Sirius was good at masking his emotions. Putting a smile on his face everyday for James and Peter so they don’t worry about him. He was always good at pretending. Pretending that his parents actually liked him, that the reason he stayed at home for so long was because he was scared and not the fact that he stayed to protect Regulus from his parents wrath. He was good at pretending that he wasn’t drowning.

But no matter how much he masked and how much he pretended, he could never manage to fool Remus.

He always just seemed to know. He made sure Sirius was okay, that he was surviving and still doing everyday tasks even if it was with a severe struggle. He would make sure he was eating, even when he said he wasn’t hungry. Making sure he wasn’t falling behind in classes. He was always giving Sirius small reassuring touches and glances as if to say _don’t worry I’m still here, I’m not leaving._

Remus was his rock, his anchor, he would’ve fallen apart at he seams if it wasn’t for him.

Ever since he ~~was disowned~~ left home over winter holidays things have been a bit different. He’s been different. He feels like he’s drowning all the bloody time. He feels like he’s being ripped in half and he cant do anything about it. He has nightmares all the time. Keeps reliving that same day over and over and over again. He keeps seeing her face everywhere he goes. He hears her whisper things at him during the day and yells things at him at night. When she finally leaves him alone she haunts him in his nightmares.

He remembers everything that happened that night. It’s the last clear thing that he remembers, the only thing that isn’t fuzzy. He remembers the words the spells the looks of pure disgust and disappointment.

> " _Toujours pur, Sirius! A disgrace to The Noble House of Black"_
> 
> _"Fraternizing with mudbloods, blood traitors and half breads, you are no longer a son of mine!"_
> 
> _"st-stop, im sorry, please."_
> 
> _"Its to late for apologies. Crucio!"_

He remembers Reggie’s face when he was hiding in the stairwell, the way he looked at him with those sad grey eyes that reminded him so much of his own. When Sirius mouthed ' _dont, im sorry'_ when he saw that Regulus was going to try intervene. After that they knew that it was the last time they would see each other. His mother would see to that.

So hear he was, lying on his back, trying to drown out the sound of his mothers screeches, the memories of her throwing unforgivable at him. The look in Regulus’ eyes. But no avail. It never seemed to work. He tried everything to get rid of her voice, to try and get more than two hours of undisturbed sleep a night. But it was useless and he knew it.

So here he is, trying not to break down, trying not to drown, Trying not the let the weights tied to him pull him under. He’s tired, just so goddamn bloody tired. He cant keep saying he’s fine to everyone who looks at him differently. Its getting harder everyday not to tell people that he wished his mother killed him that night instead of letting him live with whatever this was. But she’s Walburga Black, she wouldn’t take pity on anyone let alone Sirius. She would jump at the chance to make him miserable. Sirius doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she was the person who broke him.

Sirius looked up at the ceiling trying to think of things that would get rid of that voice in his head. He thought of the constellation patterns he was forced to memorize as a child. He thought of his friends and all of the memories they made in first year before the world went to shit. Finally, _finally,_ he thought of Remus.

His sweet, sweet lovable Remus, and how he would be six feet under by now if it weren’t for him. He’s done more for him in the past weeks than anyone has done for him his entire life. (well maybe except the potters).

They’d been dating since the summer before sixth year (the Snape incident kind of derailed the relationship for a while). The one slightly minor issue is that no one knows they’re together. They’re not out not even close. Though that’s more for self preservation. Both of them know that the few friends that they actually trust will take it well. (jury’s not out on peter yet). Even though they wouldn’t be able to go on Hogsmede dates, or be publicly affectionate anywhere. They could still do things in their dorm that wasn’t late at night or behind closed curtains. So they had both agreed that they would find someway to tell their friends. They were going to tell the lot of them over Christmas when they were all staying at the Potters for a few days before returning to Hogwarts.

That plan went out the window when Walburga called him into her study as soon as he got back form the Hogwarts express. As soon as he saw what was in her hand he visibly paled and if you looked closely, he started shaking. There in her hand was the letter that Snape had threatened to send after he caught him and Remus in a broom closet the week before.

That fucking letter had been haunting him all week. Remus and him were careless and tactless. They were both exited about break and finally being able to get sometime to themselves. Then there he was, Snivellus in all his disgusting greasy glory with that stupid bloody smirk plastered across his face. He then proceeded to be a git about it and said he would inform Sirius’ parents about his ‘ _unacceptable, vile traitorous behaviour’._

He spent the last week before the holidays panicking about what would happen when he would arrive home (if you can even call it that). No matter how often and kindly Remus tried to reassure him that he would be okay that they could sort this out. They both knew he was lying.

The aftermath of that night was horrendous. After his mother finally finished tormenting him Reg came down the stairs with his stuff and told him he had to go before she killed him.

_“you have to go, you have to”. He was pleading with Sirius trying to get through to him the severity of the situation._

_“I cant, you know I cant. Without me here, merlin knows what they’re going to do to you”._

_Regulus spoke with tears in his eyes. “I’ll be fine, you know I will. You have to get out before she kills you” his voice broke over the last few words .”I’ll be okay I promise, please just get out of here”_

_When Sirius looked at his brother he knew he couldn’t say no, he was already half dead and his brother looked so broken. “o-okay, okay, help me up”_

He proceeded to floo to the potters. He showed up looking like someone took a bat to his face. Needless to say he gave everyone quite a fright. Since then he’s been taken in by the potters and been disowned and disinherited. He hasn’t spoken to Regulus since he’s been back at school (though he thinks his mother had something to do with that)

“Pads, what’re you doing?”

Sirius was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice the bed dip, or the fact that Remus was talking to him. It wasn’t until he touched his shoulder that Sirius was brought out of his gloomy haze. He looked over at Remus, “what”, he uttered in barley a whisper.

“I asked what you were doing”

This was a hard question to answer, because what was Sirius doing? _You know what you were doing, you were trying to drown out the sound of your mother by thinking of the boy lying next to you._ He answered anyway. “thinking”.

“What about?”

“Just… just things?”

“Things”

“Yes, things”

“What kind of things”

What kind of things? Well how about the fact he felt like his entire life was crumbling beneath his feet. That the only thing keeping him going was knowing that Remus was still here for him even though he was absolutely insufferable and couldn’t talk about his feelings. How was he supposed to tell him that he wished his mother had killed him, that he wished he’d done it himself. How was he supposed to tell Remus that. Short answer was he wasn't, or more appropriately he didn't want to. He knew that he was worrying everyone, that he was worrying Remus. So against his better judgment and every fibre of his being telling him to shut up and stay quiet, he decided to speak even if it was barley a whisper. “Just uh… just about the night my parents kicked me out”. Remus just continued to stare at him tracing patterns on his arm, so he carried on.

"I feel bad about leaving Reg there you know. Merlin knows what my parents did to him after they found out i escaped and that he was the one who helped me. He didn't look bad when we came back so i don't think they did to much damage, if any." As Sirius spoke his voice broke after every word. "you know it's not your job to take care of him, right?". Remus spoke softly into his hair.

"I know that, but it feels like it is. I've been doing it my whole life" sirius paused for a moment contemplating weather or not to say what he had been wanting to get out in the open for so long. "Remember when i told you that the reason they kicked me out was because they had finally had enough of me- i lied". Sirius looked over to look at Remus, but the boy just nodded at him motioning him to continue. 

"He sent the letter to my parents, she found out that we were together and decided it would be fun to _discipline_ me in a way she seemed fit. It was bad Re, i mean i've seen her mad before but this was ridiculous. I wish everyday that i never made it out of that house so i didn't have to deal with the aftermath of what she did. I thought after i got to the Potters that i'd finally be rid of her... but i wasn't everywhere i go i hear her fucking voice, tormenting me yelling at me and it wont stop, i just want to stop feeling like im drowning, i just want it to stop". When Sirius was finally done talking he didn't remember when he started to cry. He lay there sobbing in his boyfriends arms letting Remus rub circles into his back whispering sweet words into his ear. When his sobs settled into small whimpers Remus started to speak.

“Sirius, I need you to look at me”. Sirius looked at him as Remus took his face in his hands and started to whisper. “I’m sorry, i’m sorry you went through that and i couldn't help you. But you don't have to go back there anymore. You won't have to go back, you won't have to see her again. I promise you wont have to. You’ll live with James and when we graduate next year we’ll move into an apartment somewhere in London, just the two of us and we can be happy together.” Sirius could see the tears pooling in his eyes but he continued on.

“I wish you would’ve told me sooner, or some one sooner, you shouldn't've carried all this for so long on your own. We would’ve tried to help you get through it. So many people love you, I love you. We would’ve wanted to help you- we want to help you”.

“I’m sorry”. Sirius let out a broken sob as he rested his head in the crook of Remus’ neck, Remus curled his arms around him protectively. 

“It’s okay love, it’s over now. We’ll help you any way we can okay? It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay”. Remus kissed the top of his head and whispered sweet words of love and affection into his hair. They lay there until the sun started to rise.

“Try get some sleep, you’re not going to class today”

“Mmh, okay, love you Moons”. Sirius mumbled tiredly. Remus chuckled and whispered. “I love you, I’ll be here when you wake up okay?”. Sirius nodded into his neck, it didn't take long for Sirius’ breaths started to even out. And if when James and Peter woke up and looked over with relieved faces to see Sirius and Remus sleeping they were none the wiser.

For the first time in a very long time Sirius slept. He wasn't okay but it was okay but it would do for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay thats it, my first ever fanfic i hope you liked it if you finished it. I worked really hard on it and i hope you liked it.  
> Kudos are much apprecitated  
> bye


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